Perfectionism & Radical Self Care
By Shan Cahill, January 2021
In our first Care Of forum post, MCLA community member Shan Cahill critiques the patterns of normative violence underpinning perfectionism — and offers a way forward.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” - Audre Lord
Perfectionism is a noun defined as:
1. the doctrine that the perfection of moral character constitutes a person's highest good
2. the theological doctrine that a state of freedom from sin is attainable on earth
3. a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable (“Perfectionism”).
A perfectionist is defined in the 1650s as “one who believes moral perfection may be attained in earthly existence, one who believes a sinless life is obtainable.” This evolved in the 1930s to mean “one satisfied only with the highest of standards.”(“Perfectionist (n.).”) This is the definition most of us are familiar with today.
In American culture, we are given a prescribed checklist of actions and identities that are seen as correct and, upon completion, one can achieve the coveted title of “perfect” or complete. This checklist often includes:
- White
- Male
- Straight
- Cisgendered
- Able-bodied
- Wealthy
- College-educated
- Patriotic
- Married
- With Children
- Career-oriented
This list is not exhaustive.
“When we don’t fit, there are social and political consequences.”
We are given cookie-cutter shapes that we must jam ourselves into, forcing the edges to carve out our perceived imperfections, remove parts of ourselves that differ as if difference in itself is a moral failing. When we don’t “fit”, there are social and political consequences. The onus is put on the marginalized person to either assimilate or be excommunicated from “civilized society”. We see this throughout our history with the forced removal and genocide of Native Americans, the disproportionate imprisonment of people of color, the violent murders of trans women of color, the use of electroshock therapy on members of the LGBTQIA+ community, religiously-minded conversion camps, and concentration camps for non-white people; this list is not exhaustive. These predetermined standards hinder the development of our society and our relationships with ourselves.
It is impossible for perfectionism to exist in any form of intersectional human rights.
Perfectionist theory often states “A human life that achieves twice as much perfection as another human life has twice as much value” (Wall). This creates a stigma around those who do not fit the presented ideal and diminishes their societal value. Likewise, when perfection criteria are not questioned and rather, are adopted with ease, the conversation mutates into a more accusatory one: “If I can do it, why can’t you?”
When we use a set of guidelines to illustrate how a person must interact with themselves, others, and the larger society they inhabit, we are greatly hindering our personal progress and our communal progress. To categorize humans outside of the moral, social, political “perfection” is to invalidate and other their experiences and identities. To strive towards an externally determined ideal, is to actively deny oneself.
Psychologist and personality scholar Gordon L. Flett explains: “. . . perfectionists find it difficult to unconditionally accept themselves . . . these individuals are greatly concerned and preoccupied with obtaining the approval and avoiding the disapproval of other people” (Flett), meaning that to constantly strive towards standards that are not applicable or obtainable to all consequently causes an internalized feeling of “not enough” or “not right”. When one actively denies their own existence, it becomes normal, acceptable, and even encouraged to socially and systemically deny that existence as well.
It also effectively hinders our equity. Social perfectionism, or the idea that there is one correct way to exist socially, inherently leaves populations disadvantaged and erased. It leaves little, if any, room for growth. When we are exposed to the same rhetoric, the same people from the same backgrounds, we do a disservice to ourselves by staying encapsulated in an ethno/ego-centric bubble. This leaves us with little empathy and no ability to talk across difference. As a result, our society is left with gaping holes in our programs, services, and policy that do not address entire groups that are still affected by such aspects of society, whether they are acknowledged or not.
A radical and effective cure for perfectionism is self care. In this context, self care is radical acceptance. It is the practice of putting yourself outside of your experience and interrogating your intersections. This requires one to move outside of the shape they have been told they must take, and make room for one to instead decide for themselves what their shape is. It is holding unconditional compassion for yourself even during painful growing. It is acknowledging that one still has room to improve and as a result, prioritizes doing the work required to continue progress. It not only opens us to explore and embrace ourselves, but it allows us to open a conversation for others to do the same.
When Janet Mock, a trans woman of color, author, and activist, spoke at the 2017 Women’s March on Washington, she said:
“Our approach to freedom need not be identical but it must be intersectional and inclusive. It must extend beyond ourselves. I know with surpassing certainty that my liberation is directly linked to the liberation of the undocumented trans-Latina yearning for refuge. The disabled student seeking unequivocal access. The sex worker fighting to make her living safely.
Collective liberation and solidarity is difficult work, it is work that will find us struggling together and struggling with one another. Just because we are oppressed does not mean that we do not ourselves fall victim to enacting the same unconscious policing, shaming, and erasing. We must return to one another with greater accountability and commitment to the work today.” (L’Heureux)
“When every person makes self care as defined above a priority, they make understanding, growing, learning, acceptance, education, and liberation a priority.”
When every person makes self care as defined above a priority, they make understanding, growing, learning, acceptance, education, and liberation a priority. Focusing on the differences in ourselves in terms of experiences, perspectives, and skills, while still allowing our minds to be open with the possibility of changing and enlightening them, is what makes us “good” citizens. This furthers the idea that “the good of others contributes substantially to one’s own good (Green 1986; Hobhouse 1911). By promoting the good of others, one can thereby promote one’s own good” (Wall).
Self care is a symbiotic relationship. It gives permission to have a deeper and ever-evolving connection with oneself and opens the door to accept others’ differences the way you have worked and are working to accept your own.
About the Author
Shan Cahill is an arts manager, community organizer, and writer based in North Adams. She graduated from Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts with a B.A. in English/communications and a minor in arts management. Currently, she works as the alumni communications & engagement associate at MCLA and is a member of Common Folk Artist Collective where she leads as editor-in-chief of Folktales Literary Journal and the director of the Folx to the Front Residency Program. Her words can be found in Digital Wheat Paste online magazine, Stay Journal, Spires Literary Journal, and Trailhead Magazine.
Works Cited
Flett, Gordon L., et al. “Dimensions of Perfectionism, Unconditional Self-Acceptance, and Depression.” Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive Behavior Therapy, vol. 21, no. 2, 2003, pp. 119–138., www.researchgate.net/profile/ Avi_Besser/publication/227157786_Dimensions_of_Perfectionism_Unconditional_Self Acceptance_and_Depression/links/0fcfd50865702096ae000000.pdf.
L'Heureux, Catie. “Read Janet Mock's Women's March Speech on Trans Women of Color and Sex Workers.” The Cut, The Cut, 21 Jan. 2017, www.thecut.com/2017/01/read-janet mocks-speech-at-the-womens-march-on-washington-trans-women-of-color-sex workers.html.
“Perfectionism.” Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ perfectionism.
“Perfectionist (n.).” Index, www.etymonline.com/word/perfectionist.
Wall, Steven, "Perfectionism in Moral and Political Philosophy", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Summer 2019 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), URL = <https:// plato.stanford.edu/archives/sum2019/entries/perfectionism-moral/>.